Monday, June 9, 2008

Why I hate "The Skipper" on Gilligan's Island: Part I

"Speaking of "portly." I guess we know where all those "Free lunches went."

I like boats. I like stories about boats, I like books about boats, movies about boats and of course television shows that revolve around boats and/or boating. I sometimes watch/read/watch and read about boats while I am on my boat, boating at the same time. That’s like 2 times the boating power of just regular boating. Actually that’s like boating squared. It’s ironic and enjoyable and ironically enjoyable. You know what else is enjoyable? My boat “The Los Angeles Police Department.” I enjoy schooning the hell out of it.

I like the show Gilligan’s Island, even though Gilligan had no right to lay claim to the Island as his own. He was completely out of line by declaring himself supreme ruler and namer of the island. They didn't even vote! Those people should have revolted in order to bring the tyranny of the dork in the red shirt and goofy hat down.

I didn’t like the Skipper either. He wasn’t just a bad captain, he was a bad human being. The Skipper sucked because he was a boat ruiner. He was the captain of that ship and only had to go on a three hour tour. Let me repeat, a three hour tour. And what did he do? He wrecked his boat and put the lives of his fellow boat enthusiasts and passengers in great peril by getting caught in a storm and wrecking a perfectly functional nautical vessel. There's this thing called the National Weather Bureau. You should look into that before reenacting your version of what happened to the Titanic.

First of all, a good captain is always supposed to go down with his ship. That’s not an option, that’s a rule. It’s boat rule # 3, right behind always have automatic weapons in case of pirate attacks and don’t steer your ship into rocks. You broke all three, and so you go down with the S.S. Minnow. When that tiny boat sinks to Davy Jones’ Locker, you sail that baby right down into the deep blue abyss. No pit stops at Burger King for Double Whoppers or chasing the Gravy Boat to Turkey Town. Your fat ass sinks with the Minnow. It’s that simple.

Then when he got to the island, he could never fix the boat. They were on that island for like 10 damn years! You couldn’t fix a hole in the hull in 10 years? They ought to revoke your captain’s license and your man license. Grow a pair and fix the hull you fat moron. And take that hat off because it’s insulting to all the other boat captains who haven’t crashed their boat into a rocky lagoon and been stranded on a deserted island for the past 40 years. It was a tiny ship. I know this because it said so in the song. Now take your tiny brain and grab a bamboo wrench and get to fixing fatty.

You were in the Navy for god’s sake, you should know how to do these things. Did you work on a destroyer? Because you are a destroyer. A destroyer of boats!

Were you in the regular Navy or the Lazy Navy? I guess by the size of your gut we can assume it’s the later. How could you be stuck on an island with nothing to eat but coconuts and fish and still get fatter? Are you gonna fix that boat or just keep being not skinny. The Harlem Globetrotters where there like 7 times and they got off the island every single time. No problem at all, they would play a game and a day later they would leave. 7 freaking times! And I bet they only had a limited knowledge of boats and shipmanship. They were basketball players and even they found a way to get off that island. The only basketball person who didn’t know when to flee a sinking ship was Isiah Thomas and the Knicks ended up pushing him off with cement shoes somewhere in the mighty Hudson River. How do you keep being a monumental screw-up and still call yourself a captain? You couldn’t have been in McHale’s Navy or Mama’s family.

Is Gilligan always thwarting your attempts to get rescued by another boat? Kill him. Just get it over with. He screws up everything anyway. Just take him out to the cove and hold his head under the water till the bubbles stop coming up. Tell him there’s a goofy hat sale out there and he’ll probably drown himself trying on trucker hats that say “I suck at life.” You wrecked that boat and you owe it to those people like Mary Ann and Mr. Howell to get them off that island. I mean he’s a moron, dead weight. He always mentions how he misses television. Won’t he be surprised when he gets back and finds out he’s actually on television. Another case of boating irony squared.

To be contimued...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dude, you are so right on with Skipper. I forgot he was in the Navy, and he couldn't fix the boat. Heck, the professor should have used his brain to fix the hole instead of trying to make a radio. Which is harder?