Friday, May 30, 2008

Picture me boatin'

A good friend of the Boating Enthusiast Digest is Mr. Bosch. He was kind enough to draw this devastatingly accurate portrait of me on one of my many boats. We thank Mr. Bosch kindly and may we all bask in his artistic excellence.

My Doctor says I need to golf

I like boating.

See my problem is that I love boating, possibly too much. Now my doctor says that stress and strain of being a boat owner, or yachtsman, as we in the boating community like to be called, is taking it’s toll on my health. He says I’m fixated on boats. As if? He says I should quit boating. As if! The day I quit boating is the day my schooner meets a watery grave.

My doctor says that my love of boats is making me become mentally unbalanced. I say my hatred of doctors is taking time from my boating. My wife says I should be spending more time with her than with my boat. If I wanted to spend time with her, I would have named my boat Carol. Don’t be a boat ho, Carol, be a boat buddy. We can work through these things. We just have to do it on the boat.

Don’t tell me what to do. I make the rules on my boat. It’s a Boatacracy. But, I’m not Stalin. I’m boatin’.

My doctor says I should take up golf. It’s “relaxing.” I should “expand” my horizons. I take it my doctor isn’t a boater. Or maybe he gets a finders fee when he refers a patient to the local country club. I don’t trust him though, cause he is not a boat owner. He didn’t say that, I just know. I can tell. Cause I like boats.

I don’t like golf. I like boats. If they could build a golf course on a boat, I would surely become a member. They haven’t yet. So I don’t golf. Golf is what you play when you’re shipwrecked and can’t find anything more than a coconut and sticks where you’re stranded. Even then, before you golf, you should try and build another boat. Boats are good. Boats are especially good when you are shipwrecked on a deserted island.

I don’t enjoy golf. It’s green and boring and not boating. I can’t even use my nautical lingo. That one’s drifting starboard just doesn‘t have the right ring to it. I can’t stop boating, I’ve got to find a way to incorporate boating into golf or it isn‘t worth my time. Another thing is I like the beach, I like the feel of the sand between my toes. I like boating more than the beach. But, the knowledge that I‘m am literally feet away from water makes me feel good. Because you know what that means. More boats.

I gotta figure out a way to golf and boat simultaneously. I think I have an idea.

You know what ship has sailed? Golf.

New Boat Pics

Horton Hears a Boat!(image courtesy of

Martha: You know I love boats.
Georgine: I like big hats.
Martha: Well, then you can just swim back to shore! (pushes her out)

Thursday, May 29, 2008

The Official Boating Enthusiast Theme Song

I like big boats and I cannot lie.
You other sailors can’t deny it
When a captain rolls in with an itty bitty mast
And you hit that motor fast
You get sunk
Wanna drop my anchor
When I notice that my cannon sank her
Deep in the boat she’s sailing
I’m steering but I can’t stop whaling
Oh lady I wanna get with ya
You can ride this Skipper
My first mate tried to warn me
With a boat like that though
I’d sail through the stormy
Oh, Captain peg leg
You say you wanna sail me
Well cruise me, cruise me, take it to the open sea

I see you there sailin’
When I look to the port side railin’
In her oil tanker,
Thank her, I found a place to drop my anchor

I’m tired of magazines
Saying motor cars are the thing
Find a captain and tell him that
And your face is where he’s gonna slap

So boaters (aye) boaters (aye)
Has your schooner got the sails
Then hoist it, hoist it, hoist it, hoist it, hoist that big ol sail
Boating is BACK

I like boats: A manifesto

The world. It’s a vast landscape. And you know what’s on that landscape? Boats.

Look, I love boating. Like, a lot, a lot. Some people would call me an “enthusiast” but I think it’s something more. I like everything that nautical watercraft and sea worthy vessels have to offer. Freaking jigger-masts, sail-plans, halyards, oars, mizzen-masts, fore-masts, main-mast, pretty much any kind of mast, rudders, notch tugs, torpedoes, pump-jets, screw propellers, keels, gunwales, and of course jibs. I love all things boating, therefore I love all things on boats and more importantly all things that make up boats.

What’s my favorite boat you ask? Look, I love boats too much to pick just one kind. I wouldn’t feel comfortable picking a boat and sticking with it. I gotta have them all. A few of my favorites are schooners, cigarette boats, speed boats, Bermuda sloops, yawls, polacre row boats, gondolas, pontoons, airboats, trawlers, those big boats shaped like swans, river boats, paddle boats, hovercrafts, yachts --aircraft carriers, some types of submarines, I enjoy the freedom of choice that boating grants a person. I’m not constrained to one type of boat, I have options. I like options. But what I like even more is boats.

My love of boats knows no bounds. If they made a movie about my love of boats it would be called “The Never Ending Story of my love of boats,” starring ME.

Greatest boat ever. Tie. It’s between Noah’s Ark and this cigarette boat I saw at the lake that played “Smoke on the Water.” Oh no I take that back, the greatest boat ever was The Love Boat. Hands down, no contest. Captain Stubing was a stone cold pimp. Anybody that didn’t like The Love Boat is living on Fantasy Island. You know what my fantasy would be? Two boats at the same time.

I am zazzed out of my mind for boating. If I could, I would live in the Boater’s World store down the street. Can’t, won’t let me. Tried already. Said “Sir, you gotta go home.”

I dunno if I could live there happily though. Cause you know what the lands is lacking -- boats.

The last time I cried was when I was watching Titanic.

I like wearing bright orange life vests and equally as bright floaties on my freaking arms. I wear them all the time. I’m wearing them now. I never know when I’m going to have to hop on a boat. I can’t swim, so I can’t quit’em. When it comes to boats, you gotta have protection. That’s what dinghy’s are for. Or is it the other way around? I dunno, but what I do know is that boating safety is very important, but not as important as actual boats.

I even like those boats inside bottles. If I had the money, I think I'd by a boat and put that boat inside a bigger boat. Double boat bitch! Try sinking that God!

If you look starboard at this time you might just catch a glimpse of my love of boats.

The name of my boat is The Los Angeles Police Department. Everyone said “No, No you can’t call it that, that’s illegal.” Look, I’m not saying I’m in any way associated with the police, it’s just the name of the boat. If I named it King of England, my boat wouldn’t topple the British monarchy. It wouldn’t be granted judicious power. It’s just a name. Like Carl or Muhammad.

You know what does have power? The engine on my boat.

I had trouble naming my boat. I had several names picked out. There was Boat. Mr. Boat. Boats McGee. Sir Boats A Lot. Sir Floats A Lot. Boaty McBoaterson. Yawl Boating Now. Schooner Steve. Dr. Hovercraft. Ted. My Main Mast. Sloop Dog. Captain Killface. Eat My Wake. Wake Up, It’s Time to Boat. Fidel Boatro. Anchors Away. Hey, You Scratched My Anchor.

Fish tremble when the Los Angeles Police Department hit’s the water. Not for fear of being caught by me or physically assaulted, but because my boat is awesome sauce. But, I don’t really like fishing. You know what else I don’t like? Water. But, if there was no water, there would be no boats. I like boats. So I put up with water.

I have a dream. That one day boats and cars will live in harmony.

I had another dream where I got to drive my boat at Sea World. I was ecstatic, not because I like Sea World, but because I really love being on my boat. The people at Sea World were not happy to see my boat. Apparently there is a no boats allowed policy in Shamoo’s tank. Should have posted a sign, Sucko. It’s too late now. Don’t bother me chief, I’m boating.

When I awoke. Some woman asked me, “Hey buddy, you like boats?” Yeah I like boats.

And I knew at that moment, somehow, somewhere, God was smiling.

…at boats.