Friday, May 30, 2008

My Doctor says I need to golf

I like boating.

See my problem is that I love boating, possibly too much. Now my doctor says that stress and strain of being a boat owner, or yachtsman, as we in the boating community like to be called, is taking it’s toll on my health. He says I’m fixated on boats. As if? He says I should quit boating. As if! The day I quit boating is the day my schooner meets a watery grave.

My doctor says that my love of boats is making me become mentally unbalanced. I say my hatred of doctors is taking time from my boating. My wife says I should be spending more time with her than with my boat. If I wanted to spend time with her, I would have named my boat Carol. Don’t be a boat ho, Carol, be a boat buddy. We can work through these things. We just have to do it on the boat.

Don’t tell me what to do. I make the rules on my boat. It’s a Boatacracy. But, I’m not Stalin. I’m boatin’.

My doctor says I should take up golf. It’s “relaxing.” I should “expand” my horizons. I take it my doctor isn’t a boater. Or maybe he gets a finders fee when he refers a patient to the local country club. I don’t trust him though, cause he is not a boat owner. He didn’t say that, I just know. I can tell. Cause I like boats.

I don’t like golf. I like boats. If they could build a golf course on a boat, I would surely become a member. They haven’t yet. So I don’t golf. Golf is what you play when you’re shipwrecked and can’t find anything more than a coconut and sticks where you’re stranded. Even then, before you golf, you should try and build another boat. Boats are good. Boats are especially good when you are shipwrecked on a deserted island.

I don’t enjoy golf. It’s green and boring and not boating. I can’t even use my nautical lingo. That one’s drifting starboard just doesn‘t have the right ring to it. I can’t stop boating, I’ve got to find a way to incorporate boating into golf or it isn‘t worth my time. Another thing is I like the beach, I like the feel of the sand between my toes. I like boating more than the beach. But, the knowledge that I‘m am literally feet away from water makes me feel good. Because you know what that means. More boats.

I gotta figure out a way to golf and boat simultaneously. I think I have an idea.

You know what ship has sailed? Golf.

No comments: