Thursday, May 29, 2008

I like boats: A manifesto

The world. It’s a vast landscape. And you know what’s on that landscape? Boats.

Look, I love boating. Like, a lot, a lot. Some people would call me an “enthusiast” but I think it’s something more. I like everything that nautical watercraft and sea worthy vessels have to offer. Freaking jigger-masts, sail-plans, halyards, oars, mizzen-masts, fore-masts, main-mast, pretty much any kind of mast, rudders, notch tugs, torpedoes, pump-jets, screw propellers, keels, gunwales, and of course jibs. I love all things boating, therefore I love all things on boats and more importantly all things that make up boats.

What’s my favorite boat you ask? Look, I love boats too much to pick just one kind. I wouldn’t feel comfortable picking a boat and sticking with it. I gotta have them all. A few of my favorites are schooners, cigarette boats, speed boats, Bermuda sloops, yawls, polacre row boats, gondolas, pontoons, airboats, trawlers, those big boats shaped like swans, river boats, paddle boats, hovercrafts, yachts --aircraft carriers, some types of submarines, I enjoy the freedom of choice that boating grants a person. I’m not constrained to one type of boat, I have options. I like options. But what I like even more is boats.

My love of boats knows no bounds. If they made a movie about my love of boats it would be called “The Never Ending Story of my love of boats,” starring ME.

Greatest boat ever. Tie. It’s between Noah’s Ark and this cigarette boat I saw at the lake that played “Smoke on the Water.” Oh no I take that back, the greatest boat ever was The Love Boat. Hands down, no contest. Captain Stubing was a stone cold pimp. Anybody that didn’t like The Love Boat is living on Fantasy Island. You know what my fantasy would be? Two boats at the same time.

I am zazzed out of my mind for boating. If I could, I would live in the Boater’s World store down the street. Can’t, won’t let me. Tried already. Said “Sir, you gotta go home.”

I dunno if I could live there happily though. Cause you know what the lands is lacking -- boats.

The last time I cried was when I was watching Titanic.

I like wearing bright orange life vests and equally as bright floaties on my freaking arms. I wear them all the time. I’m wearing them now. I never know when I’m going to have to hop on a boat. I can’t swim, so I can’t quit’em. When it comes to boats, you gotta have protection. That’s what dinghy’s are for. Or is it the other way around? I dunno, but what I do know is that boating safety is very important, but not as important as actual boats.

I even like those boats inside bottles. If I had the money, I think I'd by a boat and put that boat inside a bigger boat. Double boat bitch! Try sinking that God!

If you look starboard at this time you might just catch a glimpse of my love of boats.

The name of my boat is The Los Angeles Police Department. Everyone said “No, No you can’t call it that, that’s illegal.” Look, I’m not saying I’m in any way associated with the police, it’s just the name of the boat. If I named it King of England, my boat wouldn’t topple the British monarchy. It wouldn’t be granted judicious power. It’s just a name. Like Carl or Muhammad.

You know what does have power? The engine on my boat.

I had trouble naming my boat. I had several names picked out. There was Boat. Mr. Boat. Boats McGee. Sir Boats A Lot. Sir Floats A Lot. Boaty McBoaterson. Yawl Boating Now. Schooner Steve. Dr. Hovercraft. Ted. My Main Mast. Sloop Dog. Captain Killface. Eat My Wake. Wake Up, It’s Time to Boat. Fidel Boatro. Anchors Away. Hey, You Scratched My Anchor.

Fish tremble when the Los Angeles Police Department hit’s the water. Not for fear of being caught by me or physically assaulted, but because my boat is awesome sauce. But, I don’t really like fishing. You know what else I don’t like? Water. But, if there was no water, there would be no boats. I like boats. So I put up with water.

I have a dream. That one day boats and cars will live in harmony.

I had another dream where I got to drive my boat at Sea World. I was ecstatic, not because I like Sea World, but because I really love being on my boat. The people at Sea World were not happy to see my boat. Apparently there is a no boats allowed policy in Shamoo’s tank. Should have posted a sign, Sucko. It’s too late now. Don’t bother me chief, I’m boating.

When I awoke. Some woman asked me, “Hey buddy, you like boats?” Yeah I like boats.

And I knew at that moment, somehow, somewhere, God was smiling.

…at boats.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Boats are like little droplets of happiness from heaven. Heavy, metal-y, kind of pointy droplets of happiness.....