Monday, June 2, 2008

My court orders me to post notes from my psychologist

I like boats. I don't like my shrink. I am court ordered to post this.

From the desk of Arthur Jantov, PsychologistDuring our first meeting, Sir Boats-A-Lot, who I will from here on refer to as “Boatsie Collins”, “Boatsie C.” or just “Boatsie” (hey I can have some fun in my life too, OK?) was insistent to the point of threatening my life with a paperweight if I did not have the latest issues of the following boating magazines in my office: “Boater’s Digest,” “Wooden Ships in a Bottle Digest,” “Motorboating,” “Schooner’s Pleasure,” and “Sir Salty’s Ship List Quartely.” In the bathroom he requested (or simply threatened me with my “Carpe Diem” paperweight again) that I have “Chicks ‘n’ Ships” and “Motorboating” (the swimsuit issue). (I must say, the Motorboating swimsuit issue is very tastefully done. I wonder if the photographer is Italian?). He was satiated only when he saw the little wooden ship in the bottle on my bookshelves. When he inquired of me if I had built “this magnificent vessel of infinite beauty,” I told him that my son had built it and he insisted that he meet my son.

So, I agreed to take him all the way to Marion, Massachusetts from Bath, North Carolina to see my son… he had broken the bottle over my desk and was holding the jagged remains to my neck. It was an uncomfortable road trip, to be sure.

On the first four hours of the car trip, it was impossible to steer him away from talking about his passion. When I asked him about his Mother, it was a half hour dissertation on Duck Boats. When I asked about his childhood, he talked about the time he went on Nipsy Russel’s yacht in Cabo. Hell, he even ate fish and chips when we stopped at Denny’s!Did you see that season of The Real World where that girl Frankie had an unusual phobia of big boats? Boatsie C. has just the opposite; I would go so far as to say he has a boating fetish…

When we arrived at my son’s quaint house on Buzzard’s Bay, he sprung himself from the car as it was moving and ran down to the beach. After I had safely parked the car, I found him getting into a fist fight with a local fisherman. When I asked what had happened, he replied the fisherman was “fishing in illegal waters,” and then tried to attack the man with a fishing rod. Jesus, he has come out of the bathroom and he looks drunker and more homicidal than usual! I must chronicle this strange journey later when it is safer…

As you can see my shink is a real douchebag and is a boat hater.

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