Showing posts with label boats pics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boats pics. Show all posts

Thursday, June 12, 2008

My golf and boat problem has been answered


I like boats. I don't like golf. I've already blogged about this. I said that I wouldn't play golf unless they somehow managed to build a golf course on a boat.

Well, they did. This is a picture of the S.S. Tiger Woods. That's right, Tiger Woods has made so much money that he was able to purchase an aircraft carrier, design a golf course and build his golf course on his aircraft carrier. Mr. Woods, I applaud your enthusiasm for boats. You are truly a visionary in the boat golfing community. People right now are seeing this picture and literally falling off boats in amazement. It's a boat miracle. If I could, I would give you a gold medal. On that medal would be a picture of a boat. And under that boat it would say "Tiger Woods is a boating bad ass."

I cant waste my money on medals though, cause I have to save that money for more boats and boating insurance. Oh, and I have to save up money for one of my boating related lawsuits. PETA is suing me for bludgeoning a dolphin to death with my seven iron. They say I shouldn't have flogged the dolphin with my club, but I say, if you're gonna squeak like a dog toy stuck under a jackhammer, you are gonna eat PING ZING. Suck on that Flipper!

And I might have also thrown my putter at a Coast Guard employee. But, come on, that's not even a crime in most states now. My love of boats knows no bounds, but even I wouldn't join the coast guard. That's the equivalent of being an unemployed clown when the circus is in town. It's just embarrassing. Boating embarrassing.

Tiger, all I can give you is a hearty salute and an invitation to my annual "Captain Club" dinner. It's on one of my yachts called "It's no a U-Boat, it's a We-Boat." I expect to see you there Captain Woods. Wear your green jacket.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Picture me boatin'


A good friend of the Boating Enthusiast Digest is Mr. Bosch. He was kind enough to draw this devastatingly accurate portrait of me on one of my many boats. We thank Mr. Bosch kindly and may we all bask in his artistic excellence.

My Doctor says I need to golf

I like boating.

See my problem is that I love boating, possibly too much. Now my doctor says that stress and strain of being a boat owner, or yachtsman, as we in the boating community like to be called, is taking it’s toll on my health. He says I’m fixated on boats. As if? He says I should quit boating. As if! The day I quit boating is the day my schooner meets a watery grave.

My doctor says that my love of boats is making me become mentally unbalanced. I say my hatred of doctors is taking time from my boating. My wife says I should be spending more time with her than with my boat. If I wanted to spend time with her, I would have named my boat Carol. Don’t be a boat ho, Carol, be a boat buddy. We can work through these things. We just have to do it on the boat.

Don’t tell me what to do. I make the rules on my boat. It’s a Boatacracy. But, I’m not Stalin. I’m boatin’.

My doctor says I should take up golf. It’s “relaxing.” I should “expand” my horizons. I take it my doctor isn’t a boater. Or maybe he gets a finders fee when he refers a patient to the local country club. I don’t trust him though, cause he is not a boat owner. He didn’t say that, I just know. I can tell. Cause I like boats.

I don’t like golf. I like boats. If they could build a golf course on a boat, I would surely become a member. They haven’t yet. So I don’t golf. Golf is what you play when you’re shipwrecked and can’t find anything more than a coconut and sticks where you’re stranded. Even then, before you golf, you should try and build another boat. Boats are good. Boats are especially good when you are shipwrecked on a deserted island.

I don’t enjoy golf. It’s green and boring and not boating. I can’t even use my nautical lingo. That one’s drifting starboard just doesn‘t have the right ring to it. I can’t stop boating, I’ve got to find a way to incorporate boating into golf or it isn‘t worth my time. Another thing is I like the beach, I like the feel of the sand between my toes. I like boating more than the beach. But, the knowledge that I‘m am literally feet away from water makes me feel good. Because you know what that means. More boats.

I gotta figure out a way to golf and boat simultaneously. I think I have an idea.




You know what ship has sailed? Golf.

New Boat Pics

Horton Hears a Boat!(image courtesy of nicolekiss.blogspot.com)


Martha: You know I love boats.
Georgine: I like big hats.
Martha: Well, then you can just swim back to shore! (pushes her out)